For Jessi's eyes only.

[losers_day]

It happened slowly.

James had been in Wonderland so long that he stopped counting his real age. He should have been…in his late twenties? Early thirties? Yet he was still seventeen, and many ways he felt like he had never passed seventeen. Not really. He’d had experiences that had made him grow tired, and made him sick to death of Wonderland, but without the physical growth to match it, it did not feel like maturing.

Funnily, it grew easier to tolerate Wonderland the longer he remained there. Events were still difficult, the resistance was still there, but the downtime had a peace that was difficult to ignore. Many people had come and gone, but there was a small core of people who were always around in some form or another. His friends had come and gone and come and gone so many times it was dizzying. They would arrive, James would ask if they remembered anything, and they would inevitably get that familiar, confused look. And James would just smile sadly and nudge them a little and treat it like it wasn't a big deal.

But he had stopped trying to explain their fates to them. Their arrivals became so infrequent that James did not have the heart to break their hearts all over again. He simply took it as a taste of home – a chance to run around as animals at night, a chance to be with old friends he might never see again otherwise. Why ruin that by telling them about a future they couldn't change? They would inevitably leave a couple months later, and James would be left alone again, to fix their future. It hurt every time like a fresh wound, even after ten years of come and go and come and go.

Some people had remained nearly as long as he had, so long that it felt like they might be there forever. Coach Beiste was still around, and so was Philip, and they had both been there longer than James. They had gone through at least twenty Deans, all of whom took up the resistance whenever they were around (despite not remembering having started it). And then, of course, there was Annie.

They’d gotten off to a rough start. Remus the second had enlisted his help trying to get her out of the tunnels, but back then the Wonderland map was incomplete (later he had finished it with Remus the fourth and Sirius the third). She had been furious with him, and it had taken weeks before she could speak to him without screaming at him over it. But with all the time they've spent in Wonderland, a few weeks is nothing. A few weeks is a blink, and then they were friends.

They've been through a lot together, which is why it began with him in a panic at her door after an event.

She opens the door, and he doesn't even greet her. He’s out of breath, like he ran the whole way.

"Annie...Annie, what is Lily?" he asks desperately.

The last event had been from his world unquestionably. It had been fairly tame, as far as events go. Everyone had been become animagi. But it still left James with that all too familiar lightheadness that meant something was missing. And as soon as he realized it was something about Lily, fear filled him.

"Uh. The love of your life?" Annie guessed, looking at him strangely. "Mother of your future child?"

"No, not that," he said, inviting himself in. "Something else. Keep trying."

"...The girl you’ve been obsessing over your whole life? Your future ?"

"There!" James gasped. "Say that word again!"

"... ?"

But there was nothing. The word was missing. James saw her mouth moving, but the second the sound hit his ears it vanished. He was petrified.

"That’s it, whatever that was. I can’t remember it," he said, hurriedly. "It’s gone. I forgot something really important about Lily. Merlin..."

His fingers tangled in his hair, the way they always did when he was nervous. He took a couple of paces around the room, and then abruptly stopped.

"Annie, I have to get out of here. I have to go home; I can’t stay here anymore!"

"James, calm down!" Annie said, her voice rising to match his.

"No, I can’t just calm down! How could anyone just calm down when something’s...when something’s gone in their head and snatched something out of it? Something important!"

"James!"

It went quiet for a minute; the shout was enough to break him from his rambling. And then, he just looked at her, instead of saying every half-formed thought that came to mind.

"It’s been years, James," she sighed. "Not months. Years. What, do you think you’re just going to stumble on something new after all this time? You’re- you’re just going to magically find a way to leave somehow? You've been saying that for a decade."

"Don’t-"

He knew what was coming. He was already on guard. They’d had this conversation before, and it went the same way every time. It always shattered him.

"No, you don’t!" she said loudly, refusing to let him run. "James, we’re not going home. We’re not going home. You're just going to make yourself miserable!"

He stepped away from her, looking like he always did in these fights – some odd mixture of angry and scared that just didn't look natural on his face. He clenched his teeth and glared.

"No, you’re not going home! I’m going home because I’m not about to just…to give up and be comfortable here! People’s lives are at stake where I’m from. Lily could die, and I’m never going to just roll over and accept that!"

Annie looked particularly hurt at the mention of Lily, while James just struggled to remember why exactly it was important that Lily stayed alive. Yes, he loved her, but what was she to him?

Finally, he stormed off without another word. Annie shouted something particularly mean after him, but he did not turn around. He just slammed her door behind him.

Three hours later – and with these fights, it was always three hours later, like clockwork – James was sitting outside her door, looking less angry and more deflated and defeated. They’d had so many of these fights that she knew to check for him, and there he was, with his arms on his knees and his face on his arms.

She sat down beside him, and scooted closer. And James leaned against her, and muttered an apology. But he wasn't really sorry and they would have this fight again and again. They both knew that, but she took the apology like always so they could be friends for a few more weeks before something else reminded James that he desperately needed to be home.

And they always sat there for a while, comfortably, as if they were both home already. Without words, it felt like they really could be.


________________________________________


It happened slowly, but one part happened all at once.

James did not remember much of what happened – just isolated details here and there. It had been near his twelfth Wonderland anniversary. He never remembered the day, of course, just that it was in June. There had been a fight between the Real Things and the Mirrors, and James had been swapped. He was often swapped when such events occurred.

The details began to cloud over from there, but that was a function of the casualty.

He had been in a duel with a Mirror – someone much larger than him, but not nearly as clever (or so he thought). Spells were fired; punches were thrown. They were on the fifth floor, though this was something that James inferred for himself later, rather than properly remembered. There were words, but they were missing from James’ memories.

Then, he was grabbed roughly by the collar. Lifted. He squirmed to try and break free.

But he whatever James was expecting never came. Instead, a door was opened and James was tossed in carelessly. There was a slam.

And then there was nothing but burning, blinding white light.



































Then, he was in the clinic.

The clinic was a place James rarely visited for medical attention, since there was usually at least one healer around at any given time. Muggle medicine always seemed unnecessarily slow and tedious to James, so waking up in the clinic with no memory of how he got there was more than a little alarming.

He tried to sit up quickly, but it made his head spin unpleasantly, so he laid himself right back down. And he stayed that way for some time, trying to think of what had happened to him, but every attempt made his lightheadedness worse – he actually felt vaguely seasick lying there.

"Oh my god."

James turned as much as he could toward the voice, immediately recognizing it as Annie. He opened his mouth to greet her, but she gave him no such opportunity. Instead she rushed over and parked herself in the chair by his bed.

"You’re alive! And awake!! And you’re not dead, oh thank god. Are you okay? Wow, that’s a silly question, nevermind. Are hurt or anything tho-"

"Annie, Annie!" James laughed weakly. "Not so much at once, alright?"

He rubbed at his eyes and suddenly realized that his glasses weren't on. He blindly felt around for them on the bed, but the Annie-like blur was kind enough to fetch them for him. Once they were on, he could feel some of the lightheadness start to subside – not all, but some.

"Thanks. ...What happened over there?"

"Um...someone threw you in The Core," she said, slowly.

That made James' eyes go wide. It was enough to make him at least try to prop himself up on his elbows and stare at her in horror.

"The Core? You can’t be serious," he said. But his face fell more when she didn't immediately respond. "...Merlin, you are serious."

"You were in there for almost ten minutes before anyone could get you out," she said. It was as though she had been expecting to have this conversation for a while. "And, uh. You've been here for a few days."

"I got thrown in the Core..." James trailed off there. He tried to remember more of it, but it just gave him more of a headache, enough of one that he needed to press his hand to his temple.

Annie eyed him, after a long quiet moment. "...So. You’re really okay? Like, you’re not hurt or anything?"

"Err. I don’t think I am?"

"You’re sure?"

"Positive."

"Really?"

"Really."

Satisfied with that last confirmation, she smacked him in the chest. Hard.

"Ow! I'm going to be hurting if you keep that up!" he whined.

"You’re such an idiot! You could have died, and then what, huh? You wouldn't come back from that! You’d be dead, and you'd be dead forever and I...augh, I can’t stand you!! You always run off and do stupid, reckless, incredibly stupid-"

"-You said stupid twice."

"I know I said stupid twice!!" She snapped. "That’s how stupid you are! You came like this close to actually dying, or worse!"

She alternated between staring at him and being so upset that she couldn't even look at him. James, meanwhile, kept his eyes on her. What could he even say to that?

"...Sorry," he muttered. And he was, really. He hadn't wanted to scare anyone, or make anyone worry.

"Good. You should be!"

"...At least I’m still cute, right?" he asked, batting his eyelashes at her playfully.

Apparently it was the wrong time to joke around though, because that just made Annie shove at him and storm off without another word. But at their usual three hours later she returned, sufficiently cooled off. James was asleep again, so she sat by the bed for a little bit. His hand was sticking out from under his blanket, so after a moment and a half of internal debate, she took it. He felt sufficiently warm and alive, and she sighed in relief. However, this made James stir a bit.

"Uh. Sorry," she whispered. "I can come back later or something..."

Before she could pull away though, he squeezed her hand back, lacing their fingers.

"S’fine..." he yawned. "I don’t mind."

He still felt exhausted though, so he did not try to sit up or hold a conversation. He just curled up and made himself comfortable again, and in minutes he was sleeping once more. Annie stayed until she was sure he was sound asleep.